The Haunted Self- Dissociated Selves?

“How didst thou make division of Thyself?”—William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

 I have over 11 years been given a whole slew of constantly changing diagnosises by several mental health proffessionals, that always fell short of any one full diagnostic criteria.

In 2001, I sought out help for depression and anxiety. The therapist thought I had borderline due to the fact I was engaging in self harm. Later she changed this due to the fact I had had some long stable relationships and no history of intense, dramatic, love/hate attachments. I was prescribed anti-depressants
Then by my reveling of hearing loud thoughts in my head that I didn't feel belonged to me, it was then thought I had a psychotic depression. Indeed, I was depressed that made me feel numb inside and outwardly like, my face was made of concrete. That probably lead my therapist to tell me I she thought I was schizoid, due to flat affect???. Schizoid people are socially reclusive and avoid all human relationships and sex! I mean, what? Wrong! That's not me at all. I very much enjoyed sex, I wanted to connect with people but it was difficult for me. I was training as a masseuse at the time and loved the physical sensation of giving and getting massages. I reported sudden, extreme changes in identity and mood  throughout the day, plus loud thoughts, this caused me great anxiety, however I managed to work and appear normal on the outside.
When my vivid and artistic imaginative paintings were shown to my therapist the diagnosis moved more over to Schizotypal. This almost fitted because of my high creativity, rich fantasy life, social seclusion and social anxiety, flat affect. However I had no odd appearance, no odd speech, I am not eccentric, nor do I have cult-like beliefs. I was given anti-psychotics. What did I feel about these diagnosis's?, I was happy to be whatever my therapist  wanted me to be, I desperately needed the emotional support. I was like, ok, I will be that if you want, just help me and fix me . But all time, I really thought the real problem lay in my history of abuse from early childhood into my early adulthood, but the therapist was not interested in delving into that and thought it better to just manage the present. Not surprisingly, I did not get any better and I also began to feel very resentful to my therapist, hate her even. I was totally unable to express it to her or even feel it when in session but only began to feel intense anger 3-4 hours after getting home from the session. It was a distressed spaced out rage that was always accompanied by a horrible 3-5 day migraine. When I met her again , all emotional memory of it would be gone, for the duration of the session. I realized therapy was making me feel worse not better. The way my therapist steered aside my attempts to discuss material from my past felt too much like my step-mother hiding the bloody noses from my fathers beating and saying, 'you're not to discuss it with anyone' making me clean-up before I went to school. I tried to talk about my dreams (nightmares) or content of my artwork without success. I once mentioned the possibility of PTSD but was told no. I grew coldly rageful and desperately depressed. I received cognitive behavioral therapy. it seemed just like a band aid and many of its tenets seemed to me just like the same abusive brain-washing I grew up with. I didn't want to learn to plaster on a new happy face, EFT or learn 'tapping for happiness', "Fuck!" I wanted the truth!, even if it came with pain. I left therapy for about a year.

My next therapist listened to my past history and immediately diagnosed complex PTSD but unfortunately he left the island shortly afterward. I struggled another year before finding a new therapist at a health clinic who felt my problem was an Anxiety disorder, yet again they left the area within a few months also. Their replacement came and diagnosed one schizophrenic symptom, (hearing internal dialogue) plus a mood disorder but they also left within two months. At this time there were no mental health professionals at all where I lived. I began to feel a growing desperation with getting a correct diagnosis and the appropriate treatment.  I made a strong effort to become self educated as none of these former professionals had ever encouraged patient education with the diagnoses they dished out. I did not know exactly what I had but I was quite certain about what I did not have. I felt certain my main problems were related to past trauma.







Group sketch by Stephanie Tihanyi
(copyright held by artist)

It was about 2009 I chanced across some online writings by a group of Dutch trauma specialists who had written a book called - The Haunted Self, Structural Dissociation by Onno van der Hart , Ellert Nijenhuis and Kathy Steele and I ordered it online. This book had a profound impact on me. In a  straight thinking style it described clearly, many of my own experiences and the many ways I experienced life and my self. It was an eye opener and a relief that somewhere some one knew and understood what I experienced and they had laid it out and described it in plain logical detail. It also bought me a profound sadness because I wanted to be treated for this condition but realized that where I lived, there was no one who understood or even recognized this condition, let alone could treat it. I tried going back to my original therapist and told her about my findings but she showed very little interest. Rather than fighting the issue I abandoned all therapy. My estimation of therapy and therapists was pretty low then and I regard most of them as clueless, stupid and rigid   Later in 2010 I started to see a new therapist, who is helping  me with depression, emotional deregulation and communication problems. This new therapist believes I have unresolved trauma issues, (at last, someone who is going to listen). The therapy is psychodynamic.

Picturing Depersonalisation - Cloven Consiousness

The Compassion of the Birds - by Stephanie Tihanyi
(all copyrights held by the artist)
 

Dual-consciousness, double-consciousness, cloven-consciousness, various names for a particular type of human psychological phenomena. Basically its the experience of having two consciousness's operating at the same time. Its not a common experience and far as I can learn, is a dissociative disorder. Its an form of depersonalisation.
My personal experience is that experiencing yourself as two separate people is a very disturbing sensation. Sometimes when I am doing something, working, socializing, relaxing, I get the sense of another other self watching within or even having thoughts or experiencing emotions that I do not have, that are certainly not anything to do with my current external situation or even my present thoughts at the time and that don't even seem to belong to me. But clearly they come from my own self, not one that I recognize.

Sometimes these feelings and sounds can be very inappropriate to the current moment. For instance hearing a woeful sobbing coming from inside when at dinner or greeting clients of friends. Hearing angry or aggressive remarks when talking with someone you like or who you know likes you. Usually but not all, these are appearances of unwanted, repressed and socially jeopardizing emotions that threaten my social interaction. Sometimes I have been alone and also experienced this. These are called 'made thoughts and feelings', also a dissociative symptom.

There is another side to this depersonalization experience. That is, being on the other shoe, as they say.
This side is more unsettling because in the first example at least you are the one in control, in the drivers seat. In this one you're in the back seat and what's more the driver don't even know you exist!. Its like you just a passenger in someone else's life.
For example: I can be having a stressful day, thoughts on my mind and a lot of anxiety, intense negative feelings of sadness. I am absorbed and experiencing overwhelming feelings from thoughts of traumatic memories and then Bam!, I am challenged to respond to the present moment, to a friend, spouse or neighbour, who interacts with me and I experience an intense moment of panic. I must respond, but not as I am, they cannot see me as I am. Suddenly I am feeling I have receded. I hear these words come out of my mouth in the present and its not my words. I didn't put them together. I sort of sit here in the back hearing (my) witty remarks and complex responses and feeling chuckles vertebrate in my chest and all the while I am not aware of any of these thought processes or memories that created them, all I have is these other intense emotions. its so weird, its like someone else is running the show. I couldn't consciously act this well even if I tried. Sitting here in the back of my head, I am thinking, 'how the hell does she do that?', how the hell does that happen?'. I feel anxiety and dismay at the same time. How can this fake bitch carry on chatting with light and ease when I am here in the background with these horrible feelings?. Its like a betrayal. This goes beyond covering up ones feelings. I have tried to act not scared or hurt or sad when I am not but never managed the effortless ease my other self has achieved it, with such autonomy in these experiences. I suspect this self cannot even be aware I exist.

Luckily this experience although can be frequent during stress times only last about 20 minuets or so. Recently I have become aware that this "fake bitch" as I call this other self is not acting, is not actually aware of me and the feelings but is trapped on the other side of the defensive wall of dissociation I created. This is the flip side, the other side of the coin, the other experience I was talking about above. I was experiencing life as the suppressed thought/feeling self. Its all me, but experienced at times as separate. It is my hope that I can learn better self communication that will help minimize this chronic depersonalization. By exploring it in my personal art therapy, as all my art is actually, I hope to depict both experiences in painting, and try to foster a more global awareness in my self.

Feb 2013: Since this old post I have learnt much and add these links that help explain the experiences in my article

Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is a malfunction or anomaly of the mechanism by which an individual has self-awareness. It is a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation. Depersonalization, de-realization is the single most important symptom in the spectrum of dissociative disorders .
Individuals who experience depersonalization feel divorced from their own personal physicality by sensing their body sensations, feelings, emotions and behaviors as not belonging to the same person or identity. Often a person who has experienced depersonalization claims that things seem unreal or hazy. Also, a recognition of self breaks down (hence the name). Depersonalization can result in very high anxiety levels, which further increase these perceptions.
- Wikipedia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EElHtEskBhE

Dr Cheryl Arutt on Creativity and Trauma :

Have you ever felt there was a fight going on inside you as to who you really are?

"Have you every felt there was a fight going on inside you as to who you really are?"

Flame Roses from the Red Nebula- by Stephanie Tihanyi
(copyright held by artist)

I read this line somewhere and thought to myself, 'have I ever not!'.
Actually all the time, for years since I can remember. So what's it called?. Identity confusion. A couple of words that mean a whole lot more than these two mere words. An experience that is so difficult to describe to anyone else, even if one where motivated to do so, which nearly always is not the case. Why?, because instinctively you know others have no reference of experience to grasp this experience themselves. Most are unable to comprehend it. Also you know it sets you apart from others and so is shameful and to be kept hidden for fear of being thought crazy or a liar who is making it up. Neither is desirable. Especially when you feel you need people and fear social rejection like I do.
It is my aim to examine and put into words this life-time covering affliction that is so difficult to describe. I do so for the very first time.

I do so firstly for me, because if tomorrow I get hit by a bus, something that that's been real and hidden about me will be stated in the real world for once. I have lived with a denial about half my inner life for so long, I hear the arguments in my head that its not real ie:, "just forget ta 'bout it", but I have come to the conclusion that if my experiences are not real, then most of my life is not real and I am not real and I know that this is not so. So what the hell, here goes,

I have always felt divisions in myself, deep divisions, like fissures or chasms, from where up comes unnerving anxiety. The anxiety is the fear that the chasm will widen and I will fall apart and disintegrate into it or its simply the realization that the separations may actually exist inside. These divisions are more than an the odd changing thought or emotion. They are all of that and more, each is different, each thinks, while being experienced, that's the real me, the complete me, that this is all of who I am, all my thoughts, my feelings and  ideas about things, dreams, what I find important in life, or not, how I experience life, the world, the people in it.

 This goes on until its replaced. Its replaced by another set, another completely different way of being. I know people say, "yeah but we all go through different emotions and thoughts about life, as life changes so do we ". Yes but for me, these different sets, or ways of being, don't change!. They each stay the same and separate, never merging or joining into a unifying conclusion!. There is never any conclusions. Year after year out, always. some places in me remain changeless, regardless of what goes on outside in my life.

Fortunately somehow I have discovered I have a somewhat separate flexible part of me that manages to evolve enough and "re-configure" but its not without a lot of hard inner work, anxiety and struggle, juggling, patching, paste-ing and re-configuring on the inside, and all without letting any of this show on the outside, even to those closest to me. The last thing I want is for people who don't understand to think me as the freak I feel inside I am.

These separate ways of being, as I call them, don't have names or ages. I don't believe I have Multiple Personality Disorder, I don't suddenly find myself in a bar, dancing on tables in fishnets and high heels, calling myself Shirley or come to, babbling baby talk and standing in a pond lol!. I have never found a wardrobe of clothes I don't remember buying... (though, that could be fun, ..wouldn't mind that). I don't believe people can have more than one personality, but I do believe they can have one that is experienced as divided in varying degrees.

What I do have is:
A persistent and ongoing battle and conflicts between the different ways of feeling and being, especially in regards the best way to handle things, ie my life. sometimes a different way of being will "descend" on me in reaction to something that frightens me and that's usually a reminder or trigger of something in the past, some very strong emotions will emerge from something happening externally or internally. The different ways of being can be very contrasting from one moment to another. sometimes I can experience it like an observer, sometimes I am unaware. It is never  controlled or conscious but is fear driven, impulsive, sudden, like a knee jerk reaction. Its like feeling out of control, the last thought when changing from one state to another is, "Shit!, I got to get out of here". and then all the feelings and way I experienced up to that moment are gone, disappeared, receded and different ones are there. Different information, feelings, jokes, memories, and narratives, that was not there before. Sometimes I feel like, a rider, constantly jumping from one galloping horse to another.
Inner conflicts arise over what I am going to do today, how I will spend my day, I have several different "wants', goals , ambitions, needs. Each feels equally important, some are in opposition and I feel I cannot tell which is important, either or none of them. I constantly experience anxiety, because which ever one action or activity eventually gets done, instead of a sense of satisfaction or achievement, some parts of me feels cheated, ignored and sidelined. This results in feelings of self hate and self anger and identity confusion.

Since I have written this I have learnt about the effects traumatic experiences, PTSD, can have on emotional regulation from Dr Cheryl Arutt. Here is a link to an article on Douglas Ebys blog Creative Mind, with her discussing this issue and its effects on creative people. 
http://thecreativemind.net/203/psychologist-cheryl-arutt-on-mental-health-and-creative-people/




Trying to catch the thread - poem

Detail from painting 'Spirit' -by Stephanie Tihanyi
(copyright held by artist)

Trying to catch the thread

Across the forest floor, in the slant of afternoon sunlight,
She leaves the door open, by the window, where the curtains move.
Caught bettween the worlds, these multitudes,
Whose numbers are as blades of grass.

Too quick is the change, the crossing over, between worlds,
Trying to catch the thread, trying to remain in only one,
If only I could grasp the thread, stop the shift,
If only I could distance myself.


(Well you know, the kicker is the last line isn't it?. The catch 22)